Rules of the Scrum

by sebsonconferences

It’s a repost, but here goes the Goldie.  This gem  was created with a lot of beer in the head and /s/ aka /scrum/ in the mind (sorry, if you don’t get the reference you are not eligible to it anyway. Thinking of it as an  extended “Rules of the Fight Club” will do as well). Enjoy

TL;TR: Loooooooooongcat is long

1. Do talk about /scrum/
2. Do talk about /scrum/
3. We are the Team.
4. Team is legion.
5. Team does not forgive, The Team does not forget.
6. Team can be horrible, senseless, uncaring monster.
7. Team is still able to deliver.
8. There are no external rules about programming.
9. There are no external rules about moderation either — enjoy your flame.
10. If you enjoy waterfall — DON’T.
11. You must have an estimation to prove your statement.
12. Lurk moar — it’s never enough.
13. Nothing is Sacred.
14. Do not argue with a waterfall guy — it means that they win.
15. The more beautiful and pure a plan is, the more satisfying it is to chop it and put it on the backlog.
16. There are NO Girls on the internet.
17. A cat is fine too.
18. One team member leads to another.
19. The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.
20. It is delicious cake. You must eat it.
21. It is delicious trap. You must hit it.
22. /scrum/ sucks  a bit always.
23. Bug goes in here.
24. You will never have the ONE release.
25. ????
26. PROFIT!
27. It needs more Desu. No exceptions.
28. There will always be more fucked up shit than what you just saw.
29. You can not divide by zero (just because the calculator says so).
30. No real limits of any kind apply here — not even the sky
31. CRUISE CONTROL IS CAPSLOCK FOR COOL.
32. EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER.
33. Desu isn’t funny. Seriously guys. It’s worse than Chuck Norris jokes.
34. There are estimations of it. No exceptions.
35. If no estimation is found of it, it will be created.
36. No matter what it is, it is somebody’s fetish. No exceptions.
37. Even one positive comment about agile things can make you a weeaboo.
38. When one sees a customer, one must NOT get in the car
39. There is furry estimations of it. No exceptions.
40. The pool is always closed due to waterfall (and stingrays, which also have waterfall).
41. If there isn’t enough just ask for Moar.
42. Everything has been cracked and pirated.
43. DISREGARD THAT YOU EVER DID WATERFALL
44. The scrum team  is not your personal army.
45. Rule 45 is a lie.
46. The cake is a lie.
47. If you post it to teh backlog, they will estimate it.
48. It will always need moar sauce.
49. The waterfall makes you stupid.
50. Anything can be a meme.
51. Longcat is looooooooooong.
52. If something goes wrong, waterfall did it.
53. The team is a pervert by default.
54. Moot has cat ears, even in real life. No exceptions.
55. CP is awwwright, but DSFARGEG will get you b&.
56. Don’t mess with Scrummy.
57. Scrummy has never seen so many ingrates.
58. The team does not “put online”, it delivers.
59. The term “sage” does not refer to the spice.
60. If you say Candlejack, you w…
61. You cannot divide by zero.
62. The Sprint is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.
63. If you do not believe it, then it must be habeebed for great justice.
64. Not even Management-Man knows the Scrum Rules
65. Mitchell Henderson was a hero to us all.
66. This is not lupus, it’s Scrummmmaaaaa.
67. One does not simply shoop da whoop into the Sprintgoal.
68. Bug is there, so deal w/it.
69. LOL SIXTY NINE AMIRITE?
70. Also, deliver!!!!.
71. This is a showdown, a throwdown, hell no I can’t slow down, it’s gonna go.
72. The team did NOT, under any circumstances, tk him 2da bar|?
73. If you express astonishment at someone’s claim, it is most likely just a clever ruse.
74. If it hadn’t been for the product Owner, The team would have been done a long time ago.
75. Around Snacks, Scrum is lax.
76. All estimates are at least 1 but always Fibonachi.
77. Bug definitely needs to gb2/hell/.
78. Bugs are fucking serious. No exceptions.
79. All Caturday threads will be bombarded with Zippocat. No exceptions.
80. No matter how cute it is, it probably tried to change prio last week.
81. That’s not mud.
82. Tasks death is really, really funny.
83. The Sprint is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.
84. Rule 87 is true.
85. Yes, it is some chickens.
86. Bobba bobba is bobba.
87. Rule 84 is false. OH SHI-
88. If your Bug Item is preceded by “… does’t work anymore”, then you are not doing it right.
89. If you cannot understand it, it is machine code.
90. The team still owes the scrum trainer one trillion U.S. dollars.
91. Spengbab Sqarpaint is luv Padtwick Zhstar iz fwend.
92. Disregard Bigmike, he does waterfall.
93. Secure tripcodes are for jerks.
94. If someone herd u liek daedlines, deny it constantly for the lulz.
95. Speint breakers are inevitable. If the sprint is completed 100% successfully, it is a cake. cake uis rule 46
96. I am a huge fan of waterfall. Please let me work 60 hrs a week
97. Waterfall sucks and will never be fixed.
98. Finished Features are required to be presented whenever Customer is on a review meeting.
99. If you have no features to present, you are made of fail.
100. ZOMG NONE